NEW BLOG!!!!

At the urging of friends and family I am beginning a new blog- just for my trip to Alaska this Summer. So, here is the URL and if you're looking for some new pics to look at and info about what's going on- that's where it will be!

http:glacialguffaw.blogspot.com

Southeast Asian Blackwater Pool

I have finally decided upon the biotope I would like to create, but I'm going to have to wait until I get back from Alaska late this year before I start on it. 

Southeast Asian Blackwater Pool

Black water is a sort of misleading term that might conjure up some sort of sludgy swamp in one's mind. However, this could not be farther from the truth as black water is actually some of the cleanest water on earth in terms of clarity. It stands in contrast to white water, which can be observed in the Amazon with nutrient-rich, particle dense rivulets that are quite murky and have denizens that navigate via sonar (river dolphins) rather than by sight due to low visibility conditions. On the other hand, black water generally has quite a bit of organic detritus which lends to its highly acidic quality and tea-colored water for which it is named. The organic compost that falls from the surrounding forest's canopy is usually quite rich with tannins, which stain the water. As previously noted, remarkable clarity is often associated with this type of water and visibilities of up to 30 feet have been documented. 

The "pool" aspect of the biotope is intentional and creates quite a different little niche than say, a free-flowing stream. I began this endeavor with Beta splendens, who due to the beautiful and ornate finnage have a hard time swimming in heavy currents. The water situation they're familiar with is generally rice paddies and other slow-moving bodies. Because semi-stagnant pools do not have an abundance of oxygen being introduced, Betas and many other species native to this habitat have an extra respiratory organ called a Labyrinth. Labyrinth fish, in addition to typical gill breathing, can swim to the surface and gulp air should they feel the need. They really are quite adapted- and therefor hardy for living life in still water. However, while Betas CAN survive in those silly little cups and bowls that are often less then a gallon, this does not mean its a good idea. They often become listless and bored with their compact surroundings. 

So, with a little background info on the inner-workings of the ecosystem I am trying to replicate, you can better understand the diagramed design of the aquascaping that will help transport my little friends into a more native set-up. Once again, this wont be able to be completed until I get back, so for now I'll just have to stick to my Laterite substrate and an awesome piece of Malaysian driftwood. 

Another Session Down!

This past Friday saw my official withdrawal from Brooks. How strange a freedom- quite exhilarating and yet frightening in light of the current economy. However, I have nothing to fear because I have a job awaiting me in Alaska and I get to push back my grad date a year (I was so hoping to be done in August) so I can gain more experience and build an even more extensive network before I venture out of the nest. What am I talking about?! I already have pretty sustained work on the side considering the hours I have available to put into it, but security IS nice. Let's just say that I know who takes care of me and when push comes to shove I have never been without or pressed beyond what I can handle. 

Aside from that topic, I wanted to publish a few of the pieces I worked on for the last class I took. It was Color Workflow Management (PHO234) up in Santa Barbara with Bruce Burkhardt. Despite it being quite expensive, I feel that it was full of priceless information and that my technical skills as far as post have been grown. Thanks for looking!

Gastineau Guiding

Alright, the wait is over! Today, while at the mechanic's I got a phone call from Jeremy at Gastineau Guiding- I got the job!!! So, for all of you curious souls out there:

I will be working in Juneau, Alaska this summer for tourism season as a Naturalist Photo Guide where I will take groups of 14 intrepid explorers (aka tourists) on a photo safari guide that features both information on the natural and human history of the Juneau area (Mendenhall Glacier, Stephen's Passage, Tongass National Forest) as well as giving tips on how to take successful pictures on manual settings. Both of these things are right up my alley in so many ways- it's hard to take it in I am so blessed! 

I leave to be up there in mid-april and will return sometime around September (I think). I also plan on getting my CDL for the state of Alaska and all of the wonderful knowledge that goes along with that! So, I'm taking a hiatus from school for about six months to do this- meaning that I'm in my final two weeks of school for awhile! Then when I get back and start up again I'll be graduating in six months. So, this kind of pushes my over-due graduation plans back even further, but I am so pleased to have this opportunity- I'd be a fool to pass it up! 

If any of you want more details on this whole excursion business: www.gastineauguiding.com should answer your questions!

And also, if you're planning on taking a vacation and looking for something fun to do- take a Princess cruise to Alaska and come visit me on the "Photo Safari by Land & Sea" tour!

I will try to diligently update my blog during this time as well and keep you in the loop. Take care- now I have to find a place to live!

A Quick Self-Portrait

I went out to take pictures in the rain the other day and came back with one of the few images I actually like of myself!

A Day At The Zoo

Update:

It's been a month since my last post; not for lack of things going on in my life. I am currently in Bruce Burkhardt's Color Workflow Management class up in Santa Barbara and between the commute and intense hours spent on retouching people's skin---> blogging got lost in the cracks. But, I'm back at it letting you know I'm alive. 

Lately I've been focusing on school projects, keeping up with doing the newsletter and various promotions for Java Joes coffee shop on Johnson, wrapping up print orders from my last wedding shoot and watching countless tutorials on Lynda.com. I'm learning so much and am spread in so many directions that I was starting to feel overwhelmed about what my actual purpose and drive for photography even were anymore. It's like retouching- you zoom in so far to deal with individual pixels and detail that you forget what the picture looks like. Well, yesterday I zoomed out and am quite refreshed and recharged about where I'm going and my plans for the next six months before I graduate. 

I'm excited that business launch will be coming up because I will get to refine my promo materials for Illumigraphic Photography and have things more streamlined into a template. It's funny because with the economy the way it is I have been worried about finding "work," but I'm realizing that there's a ton of it out there and my true concern should be which avenue to find the things I really want to do! So, I'm on track and narrowing down the types of publications I'm focused on- may not sound big, but I think it's half the challenge!

So as things start falling into place I'll be notifying here about moderate to big changes. Also, I am still reshaping and reforming my website so that it will better serve my needs and be more customized. I hope to have it refined by June (fingers crossed) and also have a more finished version of my doc by then. These are all things I budget into my schedule after all the silly shinanigans of life are dealt with...

So for now, take care and come by Java Joes sometime- it's a great place to relax and has free wifi!

Snow Day

Just A Thought

Nature is our purest magnifying glass with which we can view an invisible God. 

New Images

I uploaded some new images both into my wedding and product portfolios. Check them out!

Progress At Long Last

This post is a sort of mile-marker: to document the place that I am at and describe where I have come from in my documentary process. It is not that I meant to neglect updating about my progress to this point, but rather, I could not even understand what I was doing until now. The glasses have been smudged and it's like I just took them off to wipe them free of the blurriness. My pride is devastated to admit these things- because at school I always feel this underlying pressure to keep everything together and appear as though I have no weaknesses. But that's doing it their way; hiding all of my humanity with the guise of being professional at every turn. I think that road would require me to sacrifice too much. If I cannot stumble and muddle around for awhile, I will not truly find what I'm looking for. Once again, it is the journey that is important. I have too often allowed my outside circumstances and the criticisms of others to shape me into something I do not care to be. It always requires me to step back and remember my own worldview. To push back against the forces that attempt to mold me and remember who I am. Well, I'm back at it and after rabbit-trailing for a bit, I found my way back to the path I was intent on---> Learning. 

This documentary process is absolutely tiring and it's a much larger endeavor than I had previously understood. I no longer watch movies (feature film or documentary) without thoughts popping into my head about the logistics or the pre-planning that went into such a well-executed shot. It's a new appreciation I have and I'm glad for it. 

In a nutshell: I have shot about 12-13 hours of footage for this project, but my inability to pin down what I truly want to express has been a constant source of frustration and complacency. I could not act because I did not know where to go. I had it within me, but could not process it. And all the while the hands on the clock danced circles around me. Through many humiliating and depressing class sessions I finally regurgitated half ideas of what I wanted to say; presenting fragments and hoping for someone else to complete them. The instructor's nagging response was, "You have to experiment with everything, I cannot tell you how it'll come out unless you try it." I hated that answer. i didn't want to try anything because I had a sneaking suspicion that everything I schlepped together would fall to pieces as soon as a light breeze picked up. 

I seriously felt like I'd been walking around in a forgetful daze when last week I turned in an assembly cut that sucked worse than a black hole. It was terrible- and the worst part is that I had gone in confident about it. The teacher quickly jarred me back to reality when she reminded me of the structure I was SUPPOSED to be cutting to. We chatted it out to my embarrassment and it all vaguely started coming back to me. Plans I'd laid out so clearly two months ago resurfaced and I knew what I needed to do. The hard part was of course setting myself to the daunting task of going back through all the footage and finding the story that was present. I had been trying so hard to force my concepts that I wasn't readily acknowledging the gifting the footage had for me. So, Thanksgiving meant something entirely new in my frame of reference this year. I was thankful for distractions to take me away from this task. I just didn't want to do it because I was afraid that these feelings of worthlessness and despair would return when I saw the footage again. But something happened when I reworked things in my mind and changed my angle. I loosened up and began to see things anew that I had missed or dismissed before. Scenes made more sense and I finally developed a cut with some substance.

As it stands, I have a 40 minute cut, which is great. Some will meet the threshing room floor, but in general my story has begun to blossom and it looks as though there is a definite light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Now, my job is to go back up North to Nipomo one more and pull out some killer interviews to stitch concepts together and verbalize some themes. That is my schedule for this Saturday and from then on, it will be an endless fine-toothed comb to smooth everything out until I can whittle down to a final cut. 

My medical bills should go down now, as I am no longer banging my head against random walls :o)

John Isaac

To anyone who has not heard of this amazing man- do yourself a favor and look him up! He was born in Madras, India and came to the United States at the age of twenty-five with hopes to become a folk musician (p.s. a yodeling, Indian, folk musician). He ended up working at the UN for a great number of years and worked his way up through the ranks until they realized his amazing photographic prowess and sent him to over 100 countries to document wars, cultures, and the natural settings. 

Not only is his work amazing, but his heart of compassion and care for his subjects is rare. Most photographers are not usually great orators, but tonight was an absolute treat to listen to a man who elegantly juggles humor, tragedy, and the human spirit while simultaneously setting his audience to the journey of being inspired by daily life. 

A Long Weekend!

Phew...it's over! Well, at least the shooting. This last week has been so busy and full of planning, meetings, acquiring equipment, and trying to think between it all! It's no fun when your utility bills come with giant letters: RESPONSE REQUIRED WITHIN 48 HOURS!

So, what's a photographer to do...shoot! And shoot I did. Friday was the first round of product photography for a quaint little pottery studio down off of Laurel St. in Ventura, Calif. It's called Kawoni Studios and the two women who run it have done some amazing work with textures and awesome color effects in the glazes. I got to use the Orbiculite (a $14,500 lighting device), but they were more impressed with my Zipdisk (about $40 at Samys...). The shoot went well and it was good a good chance to learn about how to play with diffused light situations when photographing highly reflective materials. It was a gentle ease into the task of Saturday.

Having done it once, I would never schedule myself again the way I did today. I was jam-packed and really accomplished what could have taken two days to shoot. And I wish I would have had more time because I like experimenting and coming up with new ways of capturing what's before me. Today was a shoot at Java Joes coffee house off of Johnson St. in Ventura, Calif. Over the past week I designed the creative inspiration and concepts for his seasonal marketing campaign. This truly has been a learning experience on so many levels. I still need to upload some images, but I think I'm going to breathe for a couple minutes first...

Looking Up

Well, it's the first week of the new session and I finally have made some sizable progress on capturing footage for my documentary. During break week, I spent my time up in Nipomo, Calif. and slept in a barn with ever mosquito in the Northern Hemisphere. It was a good time and I won a game of chess, so I guess that makes up for not really getting a break. Monday is my scheduled expert interview, which will help bring me some more conceptual clarity and elucidate where I want to go from here on out. I should be wrapping up principle shooting here within the next two weeks and then it'll be weeks of editing. I am really excited about all of this, but I'm guessing that doesn't show because I'm so busy and tired lately. 

In addition, I'm picking up new and valuable clients for local products shoots and have multiple weddings to shoot between now and early January. I'm so thankful I only have this core class now because I have extracurricular work piling up and now I'll finally have some time to go about getting it done! 

One client, in particular, is really making me excited about the future. He just bought a local coffee house and we have sit down and talked about his marketing strategies. I'm happy to report that he is ecstatic about my creative vision for his product shoots and that we're on the same page as far as corporate America goes! It also gives Jack an awesome venue to play a more mellow and acoustic set. We apparently have coffee on the house anytime- and that's a good thing too! After speaking for a couple hours, he asked me not only to do his photos, but some design work and authoring of his bi-weekly newsletter as well! I love these prospects because it gives me a project I can multi-task on and throw all of my creative energy at- and to top it off- I'll get paid!!! 

Anyhow, I'm sure there'll be more to add later- like when I'm hyped on caffeine for all of the countless hours I'll be spending in front of my computer while editing!!!

P.S. I'm going to be taking my gallery down tomorrow afternoon at the Bell Arts Factory, and tonight is first friday- so if you're bored and want to have a gander- go take a look see! 

Session: OVER!!!!

Well that was a hell of a thing...

As of today (when I take my online final for Accounting) I will officially be done with this session...to bad there wont be a break week for me! 

Actually, I'll be capturing most of my principle photography this week and I'm pretty excited for everything to start coming together in a more congealed way. I know I haven't posted much about the documentary I'm making, and that's probably because I was so wrought with frustration over the nebulous direction of the piece. But, things started gelling over the past two weeks and I am now proud to say: I have a story arc! 

I developed a treatment and producers package- which made me realize why I have no money- and I have a small trailer, but for some reason it wont load on here. So, if you'd like to see it, you can find it on my facebook. 

Also, here's an update: I had my gallery open for Artwalk on Oct. 18-19, but they asked me if they could keep it up for a remaining 3 weeks! So, if you haven't gone to see it and would like to, it's at

Bell Arts Factory

Community Room

432 N. Ventura, Ave

More to come, I'm off to church...

Saturn Fell Into the Ocean...

Well, I have been so busy lately (right now I ought to be writing a marketing plan) and all of the stress has left me in need of some fun. So, the other night Jack and I decided to go out and make some fun. After sitting domestically at Barnes and Noble, we decided it would be in our best interest to go home, get the cameras, and find something to do. He wanted to go to the beach, and I wanted to go somewhere my homework couldn't find me...so we went to the beach! There was some amazing moonlight and the reflection of it in the water made interesting beams, so we played with long exposures and lightpainting. I thought that the way I shot it made the moon look like it had rings, so I let my imagination play and decided that Saturn was dipping into the Pacific- you know, even gaseous planets need a midnight swim every once in a great while.

Art Walk 2008

Please come by and see my gallery at the Bell Arts Factory on October 18 or 19. The Saturday session runs from 1pm til 10pm and the Sunday one goes from 12pm to 4pm. I may or may not be there at any given time, but it's in the community room at Bell Arts. If you would like more info, please visit their site:

Bell Arts

Carob, Carat, and Google

Over the last few days, I have been hearing reports that Google is responsible for the depletion of our knowledge base as humans. I thought about this and regardless of whether or not Google is to blame, I do see validity in the suggestion that our technological advancements have allowed us to become lazy and complacent in our intellects. I remember how curious I was as a child, and yet how strangely I felt embarrassed to ask my parents about things in life. Maybe it was because I was always afraid I'd get in trouble for asking about taboos, or just for asking "why" so frequently. So, they invested in an encyclopedia and dictionary for me. In hindsight, I have explored those anthologies more than any other book- and I'm still not through them! I must confess that the Internet has made my life so much easier, but in all honesty, most of my online time is spent loafing on Facebook rather than advancing my vocabulary or spongy ability to absorb facts. 

The other day when I went to film Dale at his farm in Ojai, we were touring the grounds when we passed between two trees near a fence. The aroma hit me- pungent and slightly unpleasant. When I asked what it was he told me those were Carob trees. I was surprised because I prefer Carob to chocolate, but the smell was just so repulsive. He grabbed a handful of these dried, twisted seed pods and told me to try them. I was a bit confused at first because all the carob I had ever tried came in morsel form out of bins from exorbitantly expensive health food stores. He instructed me to eat the pod, not the seeds, as they would break my teeth. When I bit into this dark brown thing that slightly resembled a shark's egg pouch, that familiar taste touched my tongue. It's a pulpy, fibrous texture and when you really take a bite it feels like you're chewing on a pile of small twigs. But, nonetheless, I quickly decided it was interesting enough to keep gnawing on. Usually, I am not a seed collector. Watermelons and apples alike just give me another excuse to spit something out of my mouth once the luscious fruit has been enjoyed, but there was something cool about these odd brown seeds. So I kept them; I think I have about 30 now. They're fun to make designs with on the desk in class and I have it in mind to find out if I can grow myself a tree. 

Tonight was the opportunity that I could look up info about Carob trees, but thinking about going to Google made me resolute that I would revert to my younger days and explore the encyclopedia. The best thing about this method of learning is that I will inevitably find interesting pictures, intriguing charts, and other distractions while I'm on the path to the word I'm actually looking for. It's like going to the store and buying impulsively, straying from the list- but it's just so much cheaper- a true win all around. I found out that today is Jimmy Carter's 84th birthday, that the distinguishing characteristic of Caymans is a series of bony plates on their underbelly, and ironically enough, that the term Carat (used for measuring precious metals/gems) is derived from the tradition in parts of Africa and India whereby dried Carob seeds would be weighed against these jewels to determine their value. I also happened to find a chart that detailed all of the causes of cancer, but I felt too closely related to some of these common substances, so I left the Cs. 

Like I said, I'm not sure if Google is the demise of our civilization (Sponge Bob Square Pants seems to fit the suspect description more closely), but there is something to be said for doing things the old way sometimes. 

Getting Back To Where I Was

The past two years have been quite interesting for me. I have gone through many transitions and hardships, and much of it I've had to pull through by my own resolve and with little to no support. These have been trying times and I constantly feel the pressure of the crucible weighing down on me. Sometimes I feel growth and often I feel alone and wishing I could be somewhere else. Some place where friends are true and deceit runs for the shadows. However, I have come to realize that there is no such place, unless we ourselves make it. I have only one year left, and already it is shaping up to bring another wave of challenges my way, but it will be good for me. I am trying to be content in any situation, because I think that ability speaks volumes about character and perseverance. To see the good and blessings through the midst of the storm. One thing I really miss is some way to get myself immersed into nature. That for me is such a stress relief and I have always had some way right in my backyard. Now, I live in an apartment- grungy, loud, and dismal, and I miss the groves of trees and fragrant plants. I know it's only temporary and at least I have a roof over my head and a full stomach. And thank God I get to do projects outside and about the land. I guess that in some ways, my documentary project is therapeutic to give me a chance to get into an environment I don't have readily available any longer. Even just being outside for a walk is a gentle respite from the walls of my apartment. Yesterday, I saw a giant bank of fog. The Ventura Pier just vanished into it and I knew I had to get my camera. By the time I got there to shoot it, the bank had moved more inland and the tail was burning off a bit, so the atmosphere of the images was not exactly what I wanted, but I still got some successful shots. I am thankful to live by the beach and experience the different climate changes and types of weather that go on here. It's so different from my arid corner of Riverside County and it seems worlds apart from humidity-clutched Missouri. I like seeing the different ways that seasons change and the subtleties of the signs in different regions. 

The other day, I went on a walk just outside of my neighborhood- first I walked through the lower middle-class neighborhood then up the hill to the upper-middle class housing. I wondered how many homes around me were actually in foreclosure. Then I began to think about how many things we think we need in this life, when really, our basic needs are easily provided for and all our materialism ends up enslaving us. I took off my sandals and walked up the hill. It's funny how you miss things when you have shoes to shield you from the ground. I walked on freshly cut, wet grass and on rough concrete that was like a pumice stone. I saw (for the second time) a drama play out between a hummingbird teasing a cat. The cat sits in careful anticipation every day in the late afternoon when the sun is just hanging on before it dips past the horizon. The light is golden and the hummingbird is out searching for sweet nectar, but when it comes across this unhidden feline, it decides that a little play is in order. With a dancing motion, the bird hovers back and forth just in front of the cat- taunting it. The cat always misses, but it seems that the hummingbird gives it a fair chance once every day before it flutters off quickly to its home in a nearby tree. 

The spiders are like busy shopkeepers along the brick walls behind the housing tract. Each has it's own space and works daily to prepare an intricate, silken web to ensnare some passing insect. Some webs are extravagant and others seem to take advantage of wind tunnels and other natural resources. The bushes are teeming with smaller webs. Who needs an alarm system when you've got bushes like that surrounding your home? I would never want to find myself stuck in that predicament. 

Just a Quick Thought

I feel free

to just be myself

no facades

no pretension

a comfort unprecedented

Un-be-freakin-lieveable!

Well friends, I just got home from shooting and it was great. With every time I go out and shoot, I am getting more bolstered and excited about this doc. So of course the appropriate music for me to listen to is none other than Jethro Tull (I love Ian Anderson). 

Anyhow, Dale Hodges was one of the most amazing, genuine people I have yet to meet and after shooting and talking to him, I knew I had to have him...for the doc of course. Here's a small character sketch:

He's donning khaki cargo pants, rolled up to the knees with socks pulled up to meet them. His boots are caked with mud, which he plays thoughtlessly at when he sits down to rest. His white shirt is wearing the color of the earth that he loves so much and his eyes are brimming with joy and love. A person with a 6'5" frame would usually be quite intimidating to most people, but Dale has this way about him that is so far from imposing, my first inclination was to give him a friendly hug. Perhaps the most striking feature of Dale is his face. He has a very unique look, not dissimilar to Will Farrell in Zoolander- sans the crazy hairdo. 

Dale is a very educated man, but not any sort of armchair philosopher. He despises pretension and explains of himself that he is judgmental. To me, he just seemed like a man who could think for himself and saw no pertinence to conformity. With some sort of belief system based on Hopi spiritualism, he speaks highly of people who are close to the land and he could ramble for days about his thoughts on things without repeating information or becoming boring. He has agreed to be a character in my film and I am pleased with our initial contact. His schedule is free, he has no family to care for, and as he says, the earth will always be there for him to come back to tomorrow. He gives me the feeling that he's batting on my side and that he is earnestly interested in what I'm trying to accomplish. 

Now my task will be to continually make sure that I know what I'm trying to accomplish. 

My next big thing to set up will be with the LaBelles so that I can record how living organically and holistically impacts family life and closeness. So stay tuned because I hope to write updates on here frequently.

The Journey Begins

I am about to head off to go pick up my camera (Z1U) and make my way up to Ojai to shoot my initial footage. It's only a two minute film due monday, but I am going to treat each time I go out for what it is: time to collect awesome footage for my final cut. It's great weather out today and I'm sure the late afternoon light will be exceptionally warm and beautiful. Everything seems to be going smoothly with aligning subjects. The first contact I had was with the Farmer and the Cook store and main farm. This was good, but did not allow for much depth, so I will have to return. I'm a little squeamish with them because they are very busy and do not seem open to outside distractions, so I am going to have to be very organized and diligent about scheduling time with them so that I can maximize my time and efficiency with them. 

I am very excited about working with Dale Hodges, who philanthropically builds gardens for people in their yards...for free. Yes, he feels so strongly about sustainable living that he gives freely of his time and efforts to give back to the community. If everything works out, he will be a very strong thread in my film and will be one of the human faces that brings "going green" down to earth. He seemed very enthusiastic over the phone and he is quite empathetic to my situation as a student film-maker. He is refreshing and I hope that this is just the beginning!

I have to get ready and go shoot, so Ciao!

Substance vs. Perception

In reading through 2 Corinthians 10, one can see Paul's attempt to combat the effect that the Judiasers were having on the church in Corinth. There was much positioning and influencing going on. Teachers with charisma and eloquence were followed mindlessly while they provided philosophies that tickled the ears of the masses but left the souls empty and hollowed the marrow out from the bones. I think this goes on a lot in photojournalism these days. 

At the beginning of my tenure at Brooks, I was new and impressionable by these fantastic teachers who were successful in the real world. But a part of me was very reluctant to get swept up into the trendy cliques that were being formed among my peers. I never thought that wearing a certain style of hat and riding a bicycle would make me a great photographer- so I haven't put much stock on getting in with the "cool kids." Of course, it was very awkward and uncomfortable at first cause I felt like I wasn't making friends or study mates, but in hindsight, I am thankful for the distance I had then- even if it was misunderstood. I never sold myself out. If classmates didn't like me because I was weird, that was fine with me because my staying power was not dependent on their concepts of how odd I was. Now that I am two years in, I see the pitfalls of the cliques and that it's just a puffing up with pride and the elitism is not accepted on very friendly terms by anyone outside the immediate group. 

The two conclusions for this type of posturing are always the same (so concludes Pastor Don): puffing up and/or tearing down. I understand the value of networking, but I don't think it should be done in any sort of cut-throat way. And I would rather just genuinely be interested in the people that I meet as opposed to this easily-seen through facade that just seeks to build connections upon whom you can climb to even higher points in your own career. I hope that, despite my faults, I will be perceived as a woman of substance and integrity as opposed to someone who is trying to build a stage of perception to act on in front of the world. How simple and gratifying to eliminate duplicity and just be. Without constant thought to getting plugged into the right circles, to let one's own character and reputation build that legacy in a truthful and meaningful way. 

The danger in living off of perception, in any of life's arenas, is that one will habitually create a mental pattern of comparison. And while some types of comparison are good to help us see the beauty in our differences and learn about different ways of going about the same issue, this voracious and insatiable kind of comparison is the malignant tumor that infects our corporate society. That I can't be content until I have not only kept up with the Jones', but in fact, exceeded them by a mile. And why? The lust for materialism? Itching ears that want to hear the praises of other men? No thank you. I'll stray from the cookie-cutter mold and just try being me- regardless if my teachers or peers like it or not. In this, I will not be overtaken by some sort of sick thought process of becoming a drone fashioned after another human being- God gave me my own life and I fully intend to learn from those around me while maintaining my own identity. passions, and quirks. 

Building Excitement

Alright, this is the first day of a new adventure for me and I'm getting really excited! For the next four months I will be doing video documentary work in the MPV 242&243 classes. I am so stoked to be able to have time to actually develop a story and execute the production and post in a professional manner. I don't want to drop the ball yet on my idea, but I will say that I see it as a very important and relevant topic to today's economy and lifestyle in America. I'm just now drawing up the initial proposals and doing research, but check back here for updates and leave me comments or concerns once it starts to be unveiled. Thanks for reading! 

Thankfulness Makes all the Difference

Lately I have been struggling with seeing the good in the circumstances I find myself in. I haven't always been this way- I actually used to be quite naive and blissful. Then I became acquainted with some of the ways of the world probably a little too quickly and it has jaded me quite a bit. I know this, but it doesn't change how hard it can be for me sometimes. It makes me ponder about Solomon and his quest for wisdom- met with trials, sorrow, and disillusionment. Of course, I have it easier than him in many ways, so I guess I'm just saying that I can see why asking for wisdom is a dangerous thing because wisdom can only come through experience and falling on your face a million times. 

Last night I was having dinner with some friends and it was one of the best conversations I have had in a long time. The man and his wife are very unassuming and approachable people, gentle and demure if you will. When I started sharing my worries about my finances and not being able to pay for basic utilities right now, he confronted me with a truth I needed to be reminded of. He told me that despite all of the hardships in this present economy and how it is multiplied by being a full-time student, sometimes it is the simple times in life that we look back on the fondest. He had been in the mortgage industry years ago and had done very well for himself and his wife (all of it legally), but even though they lived in plenty, it was not the fondest memories for them. This made me reflect back on my recent past- because it is only since I have left my mom and dad's house that I have ever even had to be concerned with finances (I was very blessed this way throughout my youth). 

I think that some of the memories I look back on with the warmest feelings are when Jack and I lived in Missouri in a beat up, 3 story, Victorian house that had no insulation, no AC, and needed more work than anyone could keep up with. But it had a great porch.We would sit on the rickety swinging bench and watch the thunderstorms. I miss the smell of the rain in Missouri- when the air was pregnant with moisture and it just clung there against your skin, ready to pour out all over the earth. I think the rain was my favorite part. Another great thing about the porch was that it was the dwelling place of our puppy Buddy for the two short months we had him before he was poisoned to death. Buddy was the cutest puppy in the world- a mutt we received from an open trunk at the Wal-Mart parking lot. He was too young when we got him and he would cry for his mother at night. It was the oddest thing- he was almost perfectly potty trained the first few days we had him home, and with his comfort level settling in, his bladder decided it would be more comfortable all over our house. Strange dog. When we had to go to work we would put him on a lead line on the porch so he could have access to shelter, water, and land. He must have enjoyed himself thoroughly on those lazy Midwestern afternoon because when we would come home we'd find him sitting there next to porch furniture (stools) having tied himself in so many knots he could barely go anywhere. The funny thing was is that he never looked sad or tortured over his predicament- he was just goofy and happy to see us. He died the second week I started school in California. 

My movement back West was the death of a great many things for me, and the beginning of many more. Whenever I hear people asking others if there is anything in life that they regret, I boldly think or say that I have no regrets. I don't regret my decisions, even if they weren't the best at the time because there is no point regretting what has already been done. I am very conscious of my mistakes and while I do no take them lightly, I do realize that the sum of my life's experiences has put me where I am today and shaped me into who I am- and for that I do not regret or apologize. But when I sit and think about it, there is something I regret- any pointless loss of life. I miss my dog. I wish I could have met my baby. For all of the good and beautiful things in this life, there is also much suffering and pain. May I never forget that it is God who saved me from the mire. If it is His will to make everything in my personal life fall to pieces when he is bringing me new opportunities in other areas, well then- that's his prerogative and I had best learn to trust and roll with the punches! But, I have to admit that it's quite the learning curve for me. I guess we learn to relinquish control sooner or later- and sooner makes it easier on us. 

So, thanks to all my friends who help me remember how much God has blessed me in every way. I think that friends are such an amazing facet of life and too underrated in this technologically advanced, fast-paced society. I for one appreciate a true friend who will tell me how it is because they love me and where honesty can be met with vulnerability and an openness to strive for the best. If you have impacted me, you probably know who you are, but if you don't- consider this an acknowledgment in gratitude. :o)

Art Walk 2008

Joanne Zivich from The Bell Arts Factory asked me to participate in this year's Art Walk on October 18-19. What a wonderful thing! I am so excited and the way it came about was very rewarding. In one of my MPV classes, I did a short documentary on a Bell Arts stained glass artist named Beglar Merlich, who is lovingly referred to as Chief. Anyways, when I came back to ask if I could do a photo story on a handful of artists for my PHO307 (editing) class, the familiarity got my foot in the door and they saw that I was genuinely interested in their little community. I loved shooting there- from statue artists to a tea emporium. I spent many days there and watched the amazing ways that art was being formed- by professionals and by children in the community. Bell Arts is a fantastic place that has benevolence on its agenda always and seeks to enrich the lives around it. I have never met such eccentric, interesting, creative people all in one location. Anyways, I had promised Joanne I would give them pictures of every artist I shot. My layout for the class was great and when I finally got around to giving them the photos I had promised- she offered me this gallery opportunity. So, listen up Brookies--- the moral of the story is to ALWAYS give photos to those you promise them to. First off, it's important to keep your word intact and secondly, you don't know what opportunities your integrity may afford you down the road. 

I Can't Wait For Fall

Now, it's true that Southern California isn't really the place that showcases the seasons in all of their glory- save summer. However, having also lived in the Central Valley and Missouri, I have determined that my favorite season is Autumn. It's naturally different in each place, but out of all the seasonal permutations, it's still the one I look forward to. I think that so far, Autumn is best in Davis, out of the three. It's probably at it's peak on the East Coast, but I only have so much to go off of right now. 

In Davis, fall brings this wonderful chill to the air- a nip that doesn't freeze you to the bone, but does encourage you to break out the sweaters and scarves. This is probably one of the best aspects of Fall- Fall clothes are so pretty! I love to be able to layer, but not look like the Michelin tire man with tons of necessary bulk on. The other thing I enjoy is the color of the leaves. This trait was more pronounced in Missouri, but after they fell, everything turned this very bleak gray color and gave me an overwhelming sense of death and isolation- plus I am just not that fond of Missouri in the first place. But in Davis, fall brought something that always enchants me: rain. I love the smell of rain, the subtle scent that lets you know it's on its way and the heavy fragrance it leaves behind. The way the plants smell after the rain is so significantly different than on a sunny day. Davis had beautiful rain and an arboretum path that let me take long walks in it. There's something inexplicable about the way that a million little water droplets cling to pine needles while the ducks continue diving for food in a nearby pond. I love when the sky is dark with that rich blue gray color and the pinholes of light that dare to poke through. Despite the Freshman Stripe (that I managed to get even WITH a fender...) I couldn't get enough of the rain. But in Davis, I liked the fall even when it wasn't raining. It brings the farmer's market with all the fresh produce and interesting characters; so alluring. 

One day, I met a man named Aryeh Frankfurter who was from San Francisco and played the harp beautifully. He had gorgeous long, dark hair and the brisk air mingled with the tune he was plucking and created this magical atmosphere of beauty and peace, while the fallen leaves crackled in chorus as they made their ways down the streets. It was just such an inviting ambience and it makes me miss Davis. 

In Missouri, Autumn is fun because that crisp feeling is intensified about 200 fold and you can unmistakably feel the changing of the seasons. Winter is prettier there, when things are blanketed in white. However, it was fun to celebrate Halloween in a place with many old houses and where there isn't much else to do but create mischief. Jack wanted to do a full-blown graveyard on the front lawn and pop up to scare children half-to-death, but we never got around to it. I loved the way that the streets were truly dark, thirty miles away from any real kind of city; with the stars glowing brightly in an untouchable sky. We carved some really great pumpkins and went to the park a lot to chase the Canadian geese who were down on holiday. Autumn in Missouri sees the end of the snake populations for awhile, but adds a whole new element of fun and danger to the water scene: ICE!!! You feel daring when you edge out just beyond the shoreline, but when you're in the middle of a large pond and you begin to hear crackling, you quickly forget your boldness and desire dry land once again. Missouri was a good place for me to see and experience things I have never been exposed to before, but it was also a good place to look at in the rearview mirror. 

Now I'm in Ventura. Last year I had Autumn in Santa Paula, which is inland 15-25 miles, so it's a bit different. Ventura has a higher humidity and I love the way the marine layer just clings to things throughout the day. When it does that, I feel like I'm in James and the Giant Peach ( I don't really know why...). Well, last Tuesday I felt that little crisp breeze again. Summer is drawing to a close. it was a wisp of a thing and it went back to hot the next day, but I have lived in California pretty much my whole life- and that little bit of coolness on a sunny day means that clouds and rain aren't too far off. That makes me happy. It also reminds me that I'm done next August (God willing) with Brooks and hopefully I'll be in Boulder, CO shortly thereafter. I can't wait to experience Fall and Winter there! And what wonderful picture opportunities there will be!

i think that's all for my raving on the seasons- every once in a while I have to write it down. I think that in all of nature, the cyclical changing of seasons is one of the most amazing things that God graced our planet with. 

My First Wedding

A Picture Hunt (really laid back)

I was thinking today about a couple of things- first off, I wish (in a strange science fiction sort of way) that my eyes could have cameras embedded so I would never miss a thing. The as I thought about this more, I got a visual in my head about being able to take pictures of things where cameras cannot functionally be. For example, you can't take a picture while being kissed- there's just no room. I suppose you could fake it and have the person mock kiss at the lens, but it's not the same. I love that moment of raw passion, anticipation, and sometimes that exhilarating rush of fear. It's just a moment of such great intimacy and vulnerability ( a moment I myself enjoy so much), and if my eyes had cameras implanted, these things could be captured in a whole new way. I don't know how flattering it would be, but it would be interesting to try...

My second thoughts came when I went out on a casual picture hunt with the 14mm fisheye. I was wondering about near the Ventura pier so that i could catch Magic Hour and I thought to myself, "Stacy, you're just not making that many pictures." I started feeling bad, but then I realized that it was perhaps more important for me to just be out, with my camera, ready to shoot pictures. The critical thing was that I was THINKING. I need so much time to process the events and information that gets jammed into my every day, so this was not only slightly productive, but therapeutic. That's how shooting should be; it's good for me to go on low-key hunts where it is not a job, but something I love to express myself with. I need to do this more and find something, perhaps some style, that I can become obsessed with. I want to have an obsession in my photographic expression- something for me to jump headlong into. Something that isn't an upcoming project; something that's just for me. It'll come. 

Alpha Betta

A few months ago, I decided it was time to enhance my life with a few fish. My iguana had died from disease (RIP Floyd) and I felt I was ready to move on. So I visited the local corporate arboretum (pet store) and picked out a couple of specimens that weren't floating. Of course, after coming home and getting them all set up in their new aquariums, I began my research. Well, I found out that the worst thing you could do for getting a Betta is to buy it from a pet store...geez.

However, this opinion is keeping in mind that your goal is to become a breeder and seller of these Siamese Fighting Fish. Phew, I guess my mediocre fish intentions saved me on that one- I just wanted them for little pets. Then we got to thinking about naming them, and I think Jack and I came up with some pretty solid ideas. The male was to be deemed Frasier, and the two females would be his alliterative partners, Freesia and Francesca. Frasier inhabits a roomy Brandy Snifter and early on in the game, the girls were small enough to be content in classy wine glasses. They balance each other out quite well, as Frasier's Crown Betta "plummage" (but for aqueous creatures) looks regal in a deep red hue. The girls are varying personalities of blue- Freesia's being rich and slightly violet and Francesca having a scintillation of aqua green. They're all gorgeous and healthy looking. 

Well, Freesia became "Jack's fish" because she was vivacious and outgoing- as far as fish go. Francesca was demure and odd; to be specific, she didn't know what to do with the food we fed her. So, her companionship fell to me because I felt sorry for my silly little slime-coated friend. I gave her special attention (and food) until she got into the swing of things, and I can can report that she now happily gobbles up her pellet food. I suppose Frasier would be content with not being any person's cherished little fish- he likes acting tough, but Jack and I know he's a softy and is pretty much scared of everything around him.

One day, I saw a mass of bubble's at the top of Frasier's bowl and referred back to some reading I'd done- I thought he was building a bubble nest and wanted to mate. So, we got out the soup ladle and decided that Freesia seemed a better partner. Things didn't go exactly as we thought they would, and our brave male Betta ended up continually evading Freesia. It probably wounded his fish ego, so we decided it must not have been a nest and he was probably just bored and blowing bubbles. We haven't put them together since...

As time passed, Francesca learned about how to eat food and Freesia put on weight like a pregnant woman. I decided it was time to give the girls some bigger habitats. So i found a couple of over-sized champagne flutes (decorative) and now they have more room to spread their fins. I also decided that I should get some real plants for them to act as hides, food, and water cleansers. These have helped incredibly and bring a nicer aesthetic than just a glass bowl with some marbles and a random, confused fish. 

Once the algae got out of hand, i decided it was time to purchase another enhancer for the well-being of my fish: they each needed their own placostomus. Jack named these quite cleverly: Succubus (for Frasier), Incubus (for Freesia), and get this--- Missedthebus (for Francesca). These little fish are so cute and did a bang up job keeping the tanks cleaner. They can out swim the Bettas, so despite aggressive behavior- no one ever gets hurt. They also provide a very fun game for their Bettas come feeding time. The food for the Placs is in the form of dried algae wafers that you drop into the water and then they get saturated and sink down to the bottom feeders. The Bettas, however; see this as a fun game to intercept the wafers and take bites off the sides and try to not let them touch the gravel. 

So, all is well in our world of fish, and I am going to take this opportunity to go change their tank water!

Sally (November 2001)

Stripped before humanity

she lies,

wearily awaiting love. 

Her clothes tattered from life,

a life of lonely isolation

and sack lunches.

A life of cigarettes and coffee 

to dismiss and conceal her dejection

and furiously roaring pain.

Neglect

has scarred her face.

A dirty hat.

A faded sweatshirt reeking of gutter life.

Unclipped, torn, and filthy toenails; 

deprived of life and significance.

What she wears reveals represses of her soul.

Pants,

shredded memories and ever-present

reminders of her unfortunate doom.

A loss

of modest innocence.

She depends upon a fable;

a story told of human goodness

which rarely can be found.

A life

in ruins, as are her pants.

Ready to be dismantled by an eternal fate;

it engulfs her in despair.

Yet, she does not know it

and she lives in perfect acting of the role she's been assigned

not knowing how long

she can elude emptiness.

Her eyes have a fire 

burning deep,

slow embers within.

But matters of society close them behind a mask of shame.

A face,

so marred by the turbulent waves of life,

the canvas now holds terror, sorrow, and strife.

A smile

to warm the dark dampness of reality.

A smile

that beckons angels to sing gloriously.

Calling Apollo to soar in his fiery chariot with a brilliant sun in tow.

Hope

is the sunset in her smile, a vibrant memorial

to her strength.

Though she may not live on,

her smile will always remain with me. 

Torture (Summer 2001)

Mystery

Dancing in the flames

each movement calling out

Torture

agonizing pain in confusion and daze

it calls me

I hate it, yet long for it

desperate for want and dependent on desire

a drug that dictates life

passion that is incandescent and omnipresent

Illusion

overcoming like Death

the void, the unknown

fearful excitement overwhelms the strongest soul

hearts of stone are as yielding as wax

maimed and disfigured

stumbling with no control lost and abandoned

left to die

no solace

no hope

only despair

isolation in a crowded room

all eyes gazing

one thousand daggers pierce the heart

tears flow as blood

crimson floats on a cold floor

helpless as an infant and left for fate

unwanted but for the subject of contempt and scorn

unfulfilled and wandering

old truths unveiled as new lies

masquerading in attempts to conceal identities

ambiguous to the point of certainty

a furious sea tosses me to and fro

upon waves of white lace that holds secrets

unreleased and numerous

a brawl to escape

Scarred

tainted by secrets

unrevealed truths that eat away as acid

a mania overcomes

fading to seclusion in darkness where demons rule dominions

wanting, waiting

in the midst of corruption

all innocence struggling to survive

Superior Comprehension (2001)

Mercy is the bell, which rings throughout a land; it calls. It not only rests there, it begs through its beckoning chimes for all to draw near. Yet no one heeds its song. Eyes cannot see the breeze it floats upon, though they search for awhile, attempts are abandoned. The mind holds incomprehensible truth, but access seems limited. We are made in an image, but our likenesses have fallen away. As a lion hunts its prey endlessly, they search for truth. The sun's radiance blossoms before them, shedding light on all things, but they feel their way around objects as though in darkness. Though humility is the goal, knees are stiff and refuse to bend. The irony is unbearable. The found say, "I am lost!" The lost proclaim they are found. Beauty hides its face, no longer willing to be seen. Corruption flows like cascading waters, supplying the cities and temples with evil. Ah, so much for the clever species!

Refinery (2001)

The plow cuts

Down

The grain of the fields.

It is made

Low

Once again.

Humbled

Before creation.

The gold is

Melted

In a simmering pot.

The rubbish is

Removed;

No blemish remaining.

Refined

Through flames of 

Jealous, 

Searing heat. 

Forgiveness (2001)

Crystalized skies are a sea of glass

shattered above tossing waves with 

white foam that drifts endlessly.

Rays of Heaven strike the shimmering

water that beckons life to come and bask.

The glory penetrates the strongest

stone and warms the coldest heart.

Awestricken, I watch as mercies now

ride upon tides as they flow to

shore, pile up for an eternity along the 

rugged stretch of pillaged, sandy beach.

With the mercies comes true beauty to

be admired by every creature who 

has breath. Where death once held

dominion, life now reigns. Where dark

engulfed all within its grasp, light has

now freed. Words escape me, and nothing

can be said, but that life is for Forgiveness. 

Wow!

I've only transcribed two so far, but I can say without reservation that this is a humbling and scary process. It shows me how I used to think and gives me a lot to compare! What an uncomfortable experience- it makes me want to tirelessly edit everything I've ever written! This is definitely a unique thing to do- I guess it's a crucible of sorts- to go through old things and see what is of value to me now and what has been whittled away. Also, it makes me realize things that I let go, but probably shouldn't have.

Vikings of the Mind (2001)

Once again, my foot meets the sidewalk. As the concrete echoes back the sound of the step, I remember this is not the first time I've walked this stretch. But this time is different. The beating rays of the envious sun who commands all to be in his presence have now ceased. He has sunk below the mountains that seem to effortlessly reach into the heavens. At this moment, life stands still. The wind blows in a cool breeze that haunts the valley as it whispers tiny phrases in my ear. I lift my vigilant gaze to the heavens as clouds streaked with orange and painted a dirty white begin to fall over those same mountains as though the they are riding majestic, dark stallions over endless miles of conquered land. The stallions are fierce, invoking every kind of threat, as I know their long flowing tails bring rumors of the night and all its terrors. But before the darkness cascades upon the earth, the clouds demand attention. They come out of a storybook land, bringing to memory childish fantasies enriched and flourishing with detail. I look into them and once again the wind blows past my flushed face. Suddenly, but expectedly, a dense and palpable blanket of fog settles over the hushed land. It caresses over the landscape as though it is being poured out by a witch whose spiteful motives are to make the world suffer in blindness. Walking through the fog, nothing is certain. Life and limb may depend on the placement of each step. Questions race through my restless mind: is someone following me? Am I lost? Before I know it, mystic feeling of the fog has worn off and disorientation remains as I tremble while spinning out of control. The fog thins more, and I see something strange in the distance. Confusion overwhelms me and all I can manage is to stare at the mountains, which seem to be the source of everything. The clouds start breaking. I can only scarcely see, but as I squint, I can make out the shape of a boat riding at me through the sky. The wooden vessel emerges slowly, as the clouds become the waves of the tide that break upon the bow. As it makes its way further into visibility, subtle and dark figures can be seen. Burly men with fearsome eyes and wooly beards erupt into a commotion that drowns out the world. Who are they? Voyagers of time, who come to pillage all within their destructive, constricting grasp. These men from the Ages know nothing of modern commodities, but are satisfied by a sturdy ship and clothes of animal hide. They puzzle and mesmerize me into a trance. I look away for a second and they disappear into the clouds from which they originated. Back into time for new adventures. I walk home down that same ordinary street, wondering if I will ever see the Norse men again. 

In Me (October 2000)

Stranded in Elysium

the island lost at sea

the boys full of cheerful laughter-

no rules, or school; only glee

Huts made out of coconut 

bamboo and bark from trees

conch shell calling meetings 

to arrange the hunting sprees

Alone without Big Brother

no hope for society

we all fear one another

but the savage is in me

Set up a fire signal

put color on your face

beasties in the branches

we want to leave this place

Jack fed up with Ralph as chief

established rebel base

dance with us, have some pig

Simon gone without a trace

Alone without Big Brother

no hope for society

we all fear one another

but the savage is in me

Running fast through underbrush

they're coming for my life

smoke me out to the beach

my body breaks from strife

On the ground I find myself

now poised for death by knife

my soul would soon be slain by 

the boy who played the fife

Alone without Big Brother

no hope for society

we all fear one another

but the savage is in me

Strange man from shores so distant

what's wrong? Can you not see?

Jack's the Fallen Angel

but the savage is in me

Old Poetry

The next few posts are going to be different poems that I've written while I was growing up. I was born in 1986 and I will put the author date with each work- so you do the math! 

Preface

As time seems to slip away through my fingers, I have realized that my busyness requires so many sacrifices from my heart and soul. I don't know how I ever had so much time when I was a teenager- an abundance of leisure that allowed me to think, and breathe, and just be creative. Then my young life got launched, and I was put into too many boxes with too few holes for air to pass through. I'm suffocating inside my little world- a world that seems so fragile to every little touch- and inside I am afraid that it will break. I believe that this comes from my hectic schedule; so I am going to purge myself by allowing myself once more to live and think and be. These posts may not matter to anyone else, but will be indispensable to my ability to process the things that go on around me. I take so many pictures and I write captions in a journalistic style and the creative artist in me sometimes beats at the cage that I put it into- I hide it away deep within because it doesn't "fit" with what I do anymore. But art is not a profession for me; journalism should never be my job, but my expression. So, whether I publish strings of random thoughts, well-planned arguments, tactical analyses, an atmospheric description, pictures, or a poem, one can know that it is from my heart. I get run ragged by trying to get along with people- that is a job in and of itself. If anybody truly knows me, they know that I am a very raw and blunt person. I despise bullshit facades and am often met with scornful stares when I share my true opinions of things. I try not to be cynical, but the child-like idealist in me just sees how good things could be if the world was populated with just a few more people who dreamed and cared about others in a real and honest way. And I love genuine people- even if I disagree with them ardently, I will respect and appreciate anyone who speaks and acts without pretense or guile. I am a very outward person with little time to ponder my own situations, struggles, and joys- and that is a behavioral pattern that has increased my stress level by 50 fold. So, this is more for me than for anyone else- I have to do something to get by on, and this will be it- so that I can go back out and be ready to serve others and tell their stories with a clear mind. 

All that said, I love people and cherish the life that I've been given, so regardless of my mood or present trial, I hope that deep appreciation and awe will come across in any artistic endeavor that I put my mind/heart/eye/hand to.